I Tried, I Really Tried…

Shocked to life with a sudden two-hour hole in my Sunday schedule, and with a VIP business trip looming, I figured there was no better time to wind down and catch my first extended glimpse of the National Football League in quite some time. You see, eventually family and work and the yard and just plain other interests overtake the throwback jersey and bad chicken fingers at Champps.

But memories of Brent, Phyllis, Irv and The Greek–and those chicken fingers–are always near.

First side note: am I the only one that remembers the drums hitting just as Charley Waters was stepping on Lynn Swann’s back?

I figured it was the perfect time. The house was empty, save the snoring dog. I had free reign over the Halloween candy. The three-o’clock hour was waning, so the good games would be getting late. I was honestly excited because I’d get to see the stellar play that makes up the classic two minute drill.

Things just don’t set up like this. Ever.

Here’s what I saw:

Station One, Skins versus Lions: instant replay of a Santana Moss hammy injury on a play where he was running out of bounds. Moss was lucky to alive after the Lions defender got all five fingers involved in the push to the shoulder.

Click, Station Two: commercial on the old school San Diego/New Orleans matchup from London. I didn’t know they’d shipped this game over there.

Side note two: I don’t know the networks because whenever it ceased to be the NFC on CBS and the AFC on NBC I lost track, and interest. I think this is when Paul Maguire stopped being funny.

Click, station one: Clinton Portis runs off tackle for about 30 yards, falls down, and hurts what appears to be a hammy. Look, 90 feet is a long distance. Just ask Ryan Howard.

Click, station two: another commercial but it is towards the end. So I hang. Back to Phil Simms, I think, who mentions something about instant replay before we are quickly sent back for another commercial.

Click, station one: Skins QB, the kid from Auburn whose name escapes me, does not escape Alex Karras and fumbles. Mind-numbingly exciting field goal is next.

Click, station two: no lie, a commercial.

Click, station one: Some guy I’ve never heard of and don’t know his college executes the worst two minute drill since my last Thanksgiving Day “get the guys back together” game in 1997. It may have been worse. The difference: he gets booed and I went home and ate more stuffing.

Five minutes after the next click, the power button, I was in the back yard dispensing of the last five handfulls of grass seed on the bare spots.

How do you people watch that crap?

***

Two weeks from Tuesday the Nutpees tip it off against Ooey-pooey. It can’t come quickly enough.

***

And so we’re clear, there isn’t much better than Ron Patrick’s “the line to make is the 23,” followed by a midnight call of USC/Arizona by Barry Thompkins.

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~ by mglitos on October 26, 2008.

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